Insulting Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady!
You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said
"Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now,
so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the
bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make
sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?" she asked.
"You know."
If Parrots Could Talk
A lady was looking for a present for her husband Harry, the
pirate. She went to the only pet shop in town to buy one. The pet shop owner
refused to sell her the one parrot he had.
"You don't want this one, it has lived in a brothel all its
life."
"Yes, I must have it", said the pirate's wife." Harry has wanted
a parrot all his life, and this is a beautiful bird!"
"Thanks, gorgeous," said the parrot, and he was soon taken to the
lady's house. She put him into the corner, covered him up, and waited until the
party that night to show her husband his gift. When she uncovered the parrot,
her husband was amazed. Then the parrot said.
"Nice house, better broads; oh, Hi, Harry!"
DON'T TALK TO THE PARROT
One morning, Mrs. James woke up and her dishwasher wasn't working. She called a
repairman and he said that he would be able to come out and service the
dishwasher that afternoon.
Since Mrs. James worked during the day, she said, "You can come out this
afternoon but I won't be at home. I'll leave a key under the back door mat, you
fix the dishwasher and leave me a bill. I'll mail you a check tomorrow. I need
to tell you, though, that I have a Pit Bull. He's a gentle dog so don't worry
about him. I also have a parrot. He's not so nice, so whatever you do, DON'T
TALK TO THE PARROT!!"
Later that day, the repairman let himself into Mrs. James house and sure enough,
there was her Pit Bull. He was a gentle dog . . he just lay on the rug and
watched the repairman do his work.
The parrot, however, was another story. He screamed, and squawked, and lunged at
the repairman the entire time he was in the house.
Finally the repairman couldn't take the bird's screaming any longer and he
yelled, "SHUT UP YOU STUPID BIRD."
At that, the parrot looked at the Pit Bull and said "Sic 'em, Brutus."
Bi-Lingual
So this guy goes into a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot
but it has a blue string handing from one foot and a red one from the other.
He thinks this is a little strange so he asks the shopkeeper what the strings
are for. "Well this is a highly trained parrot" the shopkeeper
replies. "If you pull the red string he talks in French, if you pull the
blue string he talks in English". "Wow" exclaims the man
shopping that's really neat "What happens if you pull them both at the same
time?"
"I fall off my perch you idiot!" exclaims the parrot.
Fowl Language
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot
had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft
music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked.
Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back.
John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment
of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer. For a few
minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream...then suddenly there
was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out-stretched arm and said, "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly
sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."
John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the
parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Groaner
MADRID, Spain - A most unusual court case of attempted murder
has captivated this historic city. A man, Jorge Fuentes has been charged AND
CONVICTED of attempted murder of his wife. It seems he trained their talking
bird to drive his wife to suicide. The bird would constantly repeat, "End
it all" and "Life is not worth living". The bird was brought in
to court and "performed" for the judge. After hearing the bird, the
judge and jury convicted Jorge. <<<<end of article<<<
What happened to the bird, you ask??
Well, NOTHING of course, after all........he was only a......MYNAH
Pirate Cookies?
"What is a pirates favorite
kind of cookie? "
"Ships ahoy"
Ear Piercing
"Why do pirates have both ears
pierced? "
"It only costs them a
buccaneer!"
Captain Bravo
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed
no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout
spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed,
"Bring me my red shirt."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the
bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on,
the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for
his red shirt and once again they vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the
men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them
asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before
battle?"
The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not
show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of
the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at
the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes
upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear,
turned, and calmly shouted: "Get me my brown pants."
The Burglar
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking
for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place into his sack, a
strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching
you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he
heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long
vacation after his next big score, then clicked the flashlight back on and began
searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he
could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching
you."
Totally rattled, he shone his flashlight around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam
came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that"? He hissed at the parrot "Yes," the
parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. "
The burglar relaxed.
"Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a
parrot "Moses?"
The parrot quickly answered, "The same kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus."
A Good Trick!
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and
began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he
started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are
all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece
of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for
a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?
Dangers of Piracy
A seaman meets a pirate in a port, and the conversation soon turns to their
adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook,
and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the
peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard
into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg
off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship
and I was battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut my hand
off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye
patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the
hook."
Stake Out
A Highway Patrolman waited
outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man
had a parrot on his shoulder and was so obviously inebriated that he could barely
walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car,
the parrot doing its best to hang on.
After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He
sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his
lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the
grass, then stopped.
Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to
drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a
0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he
exclaimed.
"I doubt it," said the Parrot, "Tonight he is the designated
decoy!"
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic
escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the
pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed
the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This
particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard
three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make
the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening
crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the
Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two
considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a
tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in
the boat."
A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving
violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the
cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk just smiles.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.
"He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk just smiles.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that
a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."
And the drunk just smiles.
Did you know that Pirates were the first people to insulate their homes?
They did it for the "RRRR" value.
A man went into the pet shop " I am playing
Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure
Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder" he said.
"I don't have any parrots at the moment , but you wouldn't want a real
parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places , poop on your shoulder
and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot . Just as
realistic and easily controlled."
"Are you sure a stuffed parrot would be OK ? " asked the customer
" I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible ."
" I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine " said the pet shop owner
" I have one at home . I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday
you can have it ".
" Sorry " said the customer " I can't make it on Thursday .
That's the day I'm having my cut leg off ."
CREATION 101
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk
to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You
will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no
more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over
the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table
scraps and live for 25 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much.
Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree
to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much.
Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that
walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the
world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please,
Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10
years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule
working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live
15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the
pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse
his grandchildren.
And it is so...